Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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