I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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