why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
