Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
