I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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