So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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