his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
