I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
