i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
