fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
