We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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