someone owes me an orgasm
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
