It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
