Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
