maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
So squirting runs in the family.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
