I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
