I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
