Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
