he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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