I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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