I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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