wakey wakey hands off snakey
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
