I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
