we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
