What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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