so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
