the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize