My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I am midnight drunk by noon
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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