It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize