There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize
