my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize