I think my fart just growled at me.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
