please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
