Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
