If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
