Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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