This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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