woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
