I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
They took my balls.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
