WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
