Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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