The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
