i may or may not be watching the land before time
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
