Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
