He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Randomize
