Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
