Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
