i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
