Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Randomize
