corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Someone came in the potted fern
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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