grandma shit on top of the toilet
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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