I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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