oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
