The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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