Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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