Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
