Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Just pee around me
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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