based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
