never play flip cup with pint glasses
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
