how can u be prego again
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
