Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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