I met the friendliest cop last night
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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